The first habit of thought that Laurie Santos discusses in week four of the Science of Wellbeing is gratitude. I have been experimenting with gratitude this week, trying to write gratitude lists, trying to feel gratitude, and trying to put my thoughts into words about it.
I want to hold gratitude like a present, like a necklace around my neck or a found object in my pocket. Like a gift. This morning I started a meditation practice for the 1,000th time and focused on what I was grateful for: the sounds of birds, the cool feel of morning air, the softness of my sweatpants. When I think about gratitude as a small private thing, it allows me to have it even when things are hard.
In writing about gratitude, what I am struggling with is how to talk about it while also honoring the problems with how we can view it. Brene Brown calls these types of problems “near enemies” to what we are trying to achieve. As I see it, the near enemy of gratitude is the silencing of grief, anger, or pain. When I hear the directive of Laurie Santos: “have an attitude of gratitude” it makes me bristle, it reminds me of the many people whom I have heard tell me I should be grateful for what I have. While it is true, it is unmistakable that there is often a piece of information coming from the speaker that is also asking me to stop speaking out loud about my pain, or stop feeling it even. (It should be noted that that speaker can also be oneself rather than someone else. I have certainly experienced my own voice telling me to be grateful sometimes. I want to think that it is a method for getting me out of a funk, but I can’t deny that there is a part that is angry at myself for being in one in the first place!)
I had a remarkable experience once with a woman and her kids. The woman had a serious illness and her kids were in the therapy room telling me how grateful they felt to have such a loving and present family. Mom broke in to remind them that they didn’t have to feel grateful, that illness is terrible and they were allowed to feel the opposite of grateful; allowed to feel all of the other feelings of anger and curses and hurt. I was very impressed and thankful to her for allowing her kids to be open to their grief and, it was also true gratitude that they were feeling as well. The key is to realize that each of us has a right to both states, both thoughts on any given day or in any given moment. Gratitude practice should not be wielded as a tool for masking or ignoring pain. In fact, someone once shared with me that the only way they have felt able to truly engage with gratitude has been for them to be open to feeling their pain as well. Maybe one gift opens the other.
The next piece of gratitude that I would like to share is the creativity with which we can focus on gratitude. Often when we start the practice of keeping gratitude lists or a gratitude journal we find ourselves bored over time from writing about the same things: family, friends, a roof over our heads. These begin to feel like the things our parents used to force us to feel grateful for because they secretly believed that we are the opposite. I remember many variations of lectures on the theme of starving children in Ethiopia or China and other kids with no toys or no running water. These arguments tended to induce shame in me and made the basic concepts of gratitude feel like a chore rather than an authentic practice.
But, in reality, the creativity with which we can focus on gratitude is endless. I try to start with tuning in to myself so that thoughts can come to me about what I am actually feeling in a moment (like what came up while I was meditating this morning). This can be nice because it taps right into your felt experience, it roots you in mindfulness and presence, and it is ever-changing. You can also focus gratitude on different areas of your life. For example, I met a woman last summer who spent a whole week focused on gratitude for her various technology devices! You can go through themes like foods you are grateful for, things about your body you are grateful for, things about your loved ones you are grateful for, etc. As Laurie Santo states, this practice can fight hedonic adaptation (the way our brains get used to stuff). It also increases optimism, self-compassion, and empathy.
We as humans have a very strong negativity bias. This means that we are wired as a species to see negativity first. It is a thing that helped us not to eat the poison berries back in the day and that kept us alive when danger lurked around every corner. This negativity bias can still serve us well when it comes to discerning problems, detecting bullsh*t, and when advocacy and a fight are needed. But when it comes to mindfully turning ourselves towards happiness and wellbeing, it is necessary for us to exert effort towards gratitude and pleasure because it is not something our brains are as good at noticing and appreciating. Step 1 is to recognize and attend to something positive (like ice cream). Step 2 is to recognize that it did not need to be this way (aka: thank you ice cream, for being in my belly).
Laurie Santos also recommends something both excellent and cringy: a gratitude visit! This is a thing where you write someone a heartfelt thank you note for something you are grateful about. Then you actually share it with them! You may even go to their house to read it to them!!! It sounds terribly embarrassing. But I bet it is also amazing. Seriously, check out this video: An Experiment in Gratitude | The Science of Happiness - YouTube I completely believe in the creativity of you out there reading this and figuring out how to make it charming, and then reaping the benefits.